Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
