***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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