Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize