I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
