Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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