Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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