when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
