Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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