I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
