I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
