yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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