I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I woke up under a house in Key West
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