for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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