She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
