I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
My vagina is officially offended.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
