Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Bring me that man meat
Randomize
