i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
