I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
