allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
