it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
