i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize