when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
