'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
My underwear smells like fireworks.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Randomize
