I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize