I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
