This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
