the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Did I show you my penis last night?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Randomize
