i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
We named our party play list daddy issues
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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