I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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