I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
