I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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