My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
