I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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