I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
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