I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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