Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize