i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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