we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
