i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
