then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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