I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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