you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
