We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
