I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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