he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
