mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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