watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize