im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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