the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
