He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
