I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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