no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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