oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize