Girls should come with a carfax report
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
