My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
