my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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