I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
