the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
