What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
