Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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