Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
