My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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