Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
