I am in a vortex of obligation.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
she pinky promised me she was 18
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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