my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
